Being who we are – the Origin of God’s Creation

These few months, I’ve caught into emotional wilderness. I’m so disappointed with the people in my ministry. I found myself close up and argue the point of view that I’ve seen. Facing those people with judgmental spirit, teach them they never learn and even think they know a lot, like to make conclusion about my personality, talk those words that are hurtful, always convince me to walk with them. Those words are no encouraging and make me felt unacceptable.

I felt so frustrated, unloved, no passion, no motivation. I try to run away and I plan to leave but then another new responsibility came. Asking myself when I should leave and asking myself what have I contributed through out the years, asking questions but seems no answer and no good feedback from myself. I have done so much but seem all in vain. What a sad experience. In my life filled with all those negative thoughts, emotion sadness and fighting with God. I said to myself that I will not obey Him and I will try my best not to listen to Him. I want to complaints, I want to fight, I want to leave and I don’t like myself, reject myself, don bother about myself and just let it be, who will cares? Who will accept me?

I feel so shameful about myself after I step back and look at those people who hurt me recently. I just can’t believe my eyes as I evaluated them which some of their deeds is like me!! Very hard to communicate, and even don feel like building relationship with them. I felt so shameful to talk about my past. Past time I didn’t see it, but now God open my eyes to face my cruel inner man.

As I was in the adult cell group just now, we need to answer the question that asking me to share my joy of following Jesus. I remain with a frustration feeling and felt reluctant to share. Then I’ve been call to share, and finally I answered. I remember when I’m 12 years old, I always rely on Jesus, and through the sensitivity I’ve received from God, I’ll use it to pray and to share the Gospel to others, and seeing their respond, I can see their heart filled with happiness and felt blessed and sometimes healing happen. That’s where my joy is.

As I went back, and I look at myself now, I’ve lost my first love to Him and I’ve lost my Joy, lost my trust towards Him, lost my confidence in Him and I seems so empty. The question “Joy” kept ringing in my mind. I keep asking the Lord what is happening to me.

Then an answer came asking me, why can’t you just be who you are? The old you, who are innocent, simple and pure, humble, willing to learn and fully trust and rely on Jesus. And I ask what do this mean? The answer is don’t try to be others or admire being others, but be yourself. The origin personality of me that God purposely created. Accept who I am. For the origin that God has given me will lead me to His purpose about whom I am in the future and why God created me like that. I think I’ve started to move towards a bright side. The origin in me..